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Movie Review: I Am Number Four

2nd March, 2011

Who am I to write a movie review of this action drama sci-fi movie? Huh. Fine.

I guess I’ll have to prove it to you, you merciless critics critiquing a critic himself. And because you asked for it, I’ll do this in bullet points. Numbered bullet points goddamnit!

  1. Avid Sci-Fi Fan – Right from childhood I’ve been a true science fiction fan. I’ve consumed movies, cartoons, websites and comics in the right proportion of each, full of scientific blabbery and futuristic dollywop to pass off as ‘fiction’, and laced with my own inherent geek-dom, I have become a true sci-fi fan. Also, I love Star Wars and hate Star Trek (thoo), making me even more awesome.
  2. Pyrotechnic Connoisseur – You got that right. I love seeing shit blown up. Warped into un-warpable-dimensions. Melted into a mangled mongoose of a mess. You see, it takes a lot to appreciate these things. To understand the subtle differences between a yellow flame and a yellow flame. And I, with my nose pointed straight up, am one of the very few to know that difference.
  3. Ability to Weather the Worst – I’ve seen the movie Tashan, first-day first-show, and walked out alive. Enough said.

Before you come back with your numbered list of counter-attacks, let me proceed with a review of the movie “I Am Number Four”.


The Story

The movie centers around one person – John Smith (Alex Pettyfer) – a 15 year old teenager who keeps moving from city to city along with his guardian. (By the way, Pettyfer is 21 years old and no-way a teen).
Anyways, he’s an alien. Oh bummer. One of the nine alien kids residing on Earth (“Number Four” – get it?) with his own personal guardian.
He has hormones and will use them in the movie, along with inheriting badass powers post-puberty, such as Lumen (light from his hands) and higher jumping power, etc.
no4_alex
no4_timothy Henri (Timothy Olyphant) is John’s guardian and is confused by fellow Earthlings as his father, despite zero visual resemblance, but anyways.
He’s mildly badass and has three computer screens with awesome graphics, apparently removing all their traces from the internet. His computer setup makes him look more like an Equity Trader in Goldman Sachs, but anyways.
He dies.
Now John and Henri are hiding on Earth after the Mogadorians conquered their planet. Pretty much everyone from their race is wiped out. On Earth, this is called victory and everyone goes home.
Of course aliens think differently, and the Mogadorian Commander (Kevin Durand) is on Earth to kill the 9 kids. He has a badass team (with tattoos) and some flying bat-like creatures the size of elephants. And cool laser plasma guns shooting red lava and blue lava.
He dies.
no4_comm
no4_dianna Every movie needs a babe.
Enter Sarah Hart (Dianna Agron), the previously-bitchy-cheerleader-now-artsy-photographer-babe who John happens to fall in love with.
Forever.
See, this is where my mind turned off. This movie is flooded with retarded romantic scenes and long inappropriate pauses and generally hopeless Twilight-style flat face acting.
While Megan Fox held her ground on Transformers (we can argue that), Dianna Agron is just too non-unique to make an impact.
So let me recap. Hero. Check. Heroine. Check. Romantic hogwash. Check. Villain. Check. Action sequences that aren’t enough. Check.
What remains is the sidekick.
How about “Number Six”, another chick with sunglasses and a Ducati 848? Enter Teresa Palmer, another alien kid with cooler powers (teleportation) and better weapons. And no guardian.
She doesn’t die.
no4_tere
no4_sam All this happens in Paradise City, Ohio, when John joins school and meets Sarah along with other forgettables (geeky father-abducted-by-aliens Sam and college-hunk-bully Mark). Mogadorians look kickass and are getting closer in “sniffing” Number Four out.
To kill him, remember?
They’ve bumped off Number One, Two and Three, and they must continue in sequence for reasons known only to Rajnikanth.

So what do you think happens in the end?

Action and Romance

Here’s a secret. Trade secret. All, and I mean all, action scenes are in the trailer:

For a sci-fi fan (please see declaration earlier), I was left asking for more. I wanted more gun fights, more flinging-people-around, more Lumen shoomen and more bang.

(I will say this, however, that the ending slow-motion scene and long bassline while John shoots his Lumen at the Mogadorian commander, all this in a movie theatre was just mind-blowingly awesome!)

So. There wasn’t enough bada boom. Why? Because it replaced with stoofid romance. And long pauses. And corner-of-the-eye moments.

Why?

With such a pertinent question, you tend to nose around more. And realize what’s behind this movie. It’s based on a book (of the same name), which is in turn part of a series (and a book deal). And that book is marketed at 13-year old teens who’ve wasted their time reading the Twilight books. And will, henceforth, waste their time reading the Number saga.

You could say that their days are numbered.

The Verdict

There’s some great computer graphics out there, some moments of awesomeness. But overall, there’s mediocre acting and overzealous romantic crap. And in the end even the Caramelized Popcorn can’t get you out of this trouble.

4 out of 10.

 

*Hat Tip* Social Wavelength for the tickets to watch this show!

Images from the Wikipedia page and the IMDB movie site. Copyrights are theirs.

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21 Comments leave one →
  1. vg220 permalink
    2nd March, 2011 4:39 PM

    Thanks. I will avoid wasting precious bandwidth on downloading it. and Demonoid was never down. Watch I will, but Star wars instead.

    • 2nd March, 2011 8:44 PM

      All Hail Star Wars! May the force be with you.

  2. 2nd March, 2011 7:28 PM

    F.A.I.L.

    I.D.O.N.T.C.A.R.E

    Sci-fi is boring

    But, well written review, you’ve killed any box office collections that the movie would make by sheer luck!

    • 3rd March, 2011 11:23 AM

      Hey! This movie has romance – you might like it!

    • 3rd March, 2011 10:17 PM

      I’m all romance now?

    • 4th March, 2011 8:08 AM

      Stereotyping at its best. Yes, you are all romance now.

  3. 2nd March, 2011 11:57 PM

    Hmmm…….I hope they don’t make a sequel “I am Number 8″ Pretty interesting review. Thanks for the heads up, will skip it.
    And can understand what you must have felt after Tashan. I was stuck in Pyaar Impossible….first day first show.

    • 3rd March, 2011 11:23 AM

      Oh Tashan Tashan Tashan, I think I cried at the end. Pyaar Impossible? Dude, I pity you too!

  4. 3rd March, 2011 12:37 AM

    where’s my super awesome comment gone? Deleter!

    • 3rd March, 2011 10:53 AM

      What the? I DO NOT delete comments! It turns out that WordPress thought your comment was spam (:D).

      Not me.

      WordPress.

      Said you’re spam!

    • 3rd March, 2011 10:18 PM

      Strange, only your blog spams my ‘legitimate’ comments. Strannnnge.

  5. Anukool Junnarkar permalink
    3rd March, 2011 8:13 AM

    For the record:

    I WOULD like to have that debate about Megan Fox in Transformers.

    Somehow, the trailer has me convinced the Teresa Palmer is hotter than Dianne Argon. Despite the fact that Argon’s last name is Argon. It might be because chicks and pyrotechnics are even hotter than chicks or pyrotechnics.

    Also, your review has entirely too many references to John shooting his Lumen.

    That is all.

    • 3rd March, 2011 5:57 PM

      Nookool!

      Tell me my man, did Megan Fox transform what Tranformers would have originally turned out to be? Did she? Movie ticket sales must’ve trippled just because of the Fox.

      On the other hand, cool-sounding Argon just doesn’t differentiate herself. Shes just another pale blonde with red lips.

      Also, Palmer is way cooler. She rides a Ducati 848 goddamnit! [Let it be known to the world that I was drooling over the bike, not the girl!]

      Lumen indeed!

  6. 3rd March, 2011 8:14 AM

    Sooo sorry I missed out on so much of awesomeness!!!

    But K that was one badass of a critique and I suspect far more interesting than the flick.

    I was asked to review the movie but I put my foot down (naa this time it took a detour from my mouth) And thank god for that……

    • 3rd March, 2011 5:41 PM

      Badass of a critique? Hehe! I shall take full pride in that :).

      By the way, I like writing movie reviews. It’s challenging because many of the bigger sites have developed a standard format that no longer excites the audience. Time for innovation, no?

      Danke for the visit, Purba ji!

  7. tangyorangesour permalink
    3rd March, 2011 10:18 PM

    Haha….took it right to the cleaners!

  8. Anukool Junnarkar permalink
    4th March, 2011 3:20 AM

    Dammit networkedblogs, reply to reply! What, only retorts are allowed? No reretorts? Or retotorts?

    The Fox might have draw more junta to Transformers, but Transformers promised Fox being Foxy. Trailers for Number 4 clearly promise a completely inert Argon.

    I mean, her red carpet pics look hotter. This is clearly just Marketing Fail.

    (You can drool over the bike, I won’t be going through that level of indirection. :P)

    • 5th March, 2011 5:30 PM

      Sorry for the late reply my man.

      So we both agree that Fox was meant to be foxy, and lived up to that promise.

      Dude. Fail.

      We were supposed to argue on things! Better luck next time!

  9. Navneet Mahay permalink
    11th March, 2011 10:33 PM

    Sci Fi fans unite!… spread this image and with it the knowledge of the awesomeness of Sci Fi

    • 24th March, 2011 2:54 PM

      This is the epics of all epics! Awesome dude. I’m going to print this out and stick it up on my office cube!

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