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The Great Indian Maalishwala

10th May, 2009

I like short hair. I’ve never been able to figure out why, and thats odd I must say. But the fact is, I like short hair. A direct consequence of such a choice is that I must meet my barber almost every month. We’ve developed a rather cordial relationship – I’ve never heard a word from him, and he’s only heard “One haircut please” from me!

So I went one day (my hair starting looking like an afro!) and got myself a nice haircut. Life seemed good.

Alas, I had to ask for a ‘maalish’.

Mistake No. 1! Internally, my subconscious mind was tempting me to a nice soft massage to whistle away all my stress of work life. All those great luscious ads of the Kerala massage came popping into my mind (do note, exactly these!):

Kerala MassageAyurvedic Massage

“Sir, Navratna tel, Parachute or Almond Oil?”

Holy gockamoly! This guy can speak! My barber and me, we were better understanding people now – we had established verbal communication!

After inquiring about the prices, I chose Navaratan tel. Blame this on my college days – I always have a tendency to chose the cheaper stuff .

Navratna OilNow, Mistake No. 2! You see, Navratna tel (with reviews out here!) was made by Himani after a great amount of Research and Development to create the stinkiest hair oil of them all! Compared on this aspect, there is no second competitor to the great Navratna tel. No. In fact, it feels like the stink of this oil gives the impression that this oil is really great – something very similar to the non-functional burn one senses while using mouthwash. You can sense it, you can feel it, but it really doesn’t do the magic that you thought it did.

Anyways, my barber started. Without any inhibition, he poured almost half the bottle right on top of my head! Initially, though, the massage started out fine. But what followed was hell – he folded his hands together to make more sound (very resonant I must say, since my whole cranium was full of it!) but it turned out more to be a head-punch. Whoever tutored him probably told him that more force was much better.

Clearly wrong.

In India, a head massage isn’t just a head massage. He went down to punching my neck too. What he did was very similar to Akshay Kumar in Chandini Chowk to China (can’t help the comparision, it was coming on TV today!) – chopped and chopped my neck into half! He then made me bend, and went ahead beating and battering my back! Was he practicing for an upcoming boxing match? Shouldn’t I have known that before he upgraded me to his punching bag?

I am positively sure a few of my spine bones moved. No really.

Then to top it off, he did the *kidik* – put my face onto one side and whiplashed my neck. Now I have received this before – helps when you have a ‘chick’ in your neck, but this was a bit overdone. The only thing that could have countered the whiplash to the left, was the upcoming whiplash to the right. By the end of, luckily, my face did face forward. Miracle I say!

My hands functioned, and I was able to pull the money out of my pocket and left. But after being beaten up so badly (I’m sure he’ll win that boxing match of his), I found everything shaky. I’m not sure if I was walking straight – the whole world was drifting up and down. I’ll partly blame the Navratna tel (goddamnit that smell!) and I’ll partly blame the barbers beating.

Buildings seemed skewed. Roads seemed haphazard. The world just wasn’t right.

And now, here I am, recollecting what happened to me the other day. I have been scarred for life. No Kerala massage can provide me the therapuetic help. Permanent damage has been done. A question still remains – how will I go for my next haircut?

Maybe I’ll grow long hair.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. 10th May, 2009 10:52 PM

    Maybe I’ll grow long hair.
    You make it sound like you’ll plant it in a pot and water it everyday! 😛

    • kranium256 permalink*
      11th May, 2009 6:36 PM

      .. and why not? You just have to plant your hair in place, and shampoo it everyday! hehe!

  2. Boo Child permalink
    2nd May, 2010 2:43 AM

    HAHAHAHHAA. that was awesome kartigay.. i laughed and laughed. hehee


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