Why Did YOU Protest for Anna Hazare?
You. Yes, you, middle-class Indian. Why did you go out and protest for Anna Hazare? Don’t you have work to do? Or kittens to feed? What about that broken tap in the kitchen? It’s not going to fix itself, I can tell you that. What happened to Prince Useless of South Bangalore? The one who slouched in front of the TV and snored in front of the computer!
You wasted the whole Sunday for a measly inconsequential protest? Are you insane?
Abe Teri To!
Hold it. Hold it, I say! Before you along with your mob fury come and throw me off my pedestal (or bed, as it currently is), please, lend me your ears. I’m quite perplexed at the allegedly massive outpouring of support for Anna Hazare and his showdown with all things corruption. At the risk of generalizing a very diverse nation, it’s not very Indian of us to dirty our feet. Especially when we have to give up our Sundays watching India lose in test cricket.
I Just Don’t Get It
Still. I’m not sure why you went to protest. What drove you down that path that has never been crossed before? Fear not, I shall unravel such things. Do note that this has nothing to do with Anna Hazare. I mentioned his name in the title and article body for search engine optimization.
Anyways, after an extensive survey amongst a sample set extrapolated to represent the youth of India, I spent a few days analyzing the responses to decipher some common reasons in a typical news-TV-kind-of-way (that is, without reasoning or logic). First up:
1. Apparent Leap in Facebook Reputation – 26%
Probably you were a scruffy little kid in school who used to wear shorts that look like hot pants nowadays. College happened and you got yourself Fabindia kurtis, a French beard and a copywriter job in Mumbai. You’re as cool as Farhan Akhtar in Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara now. But how do you tell your school friends you’ve leapfrogged yourself in the social strata?
The brilliance of Facebook is that you can re-invent your avatar with pseudo-intellectual talk, party photographs in Mumbai (nobody can match those) and random posts on your wall from girls screaming “Whhhheeeeerrrrreeeee are you?”
Throw in status updates and photographs of you protesting in Freedom park or in a candle-light agitation and you become such a sensitive man. You’re the Gillette man .
Blaady you don’t think we can’t see through that sham?
2. A Chance To Talk to the Ladies – 48%
Most great things (at least the ones done by men) were done to impress girls. Charles Darwin (of the Origin of Species fame) tried hard to prove to his childhood sweetheart that he can create a legend . Vishal Sandhu (of no fame) has tried everything to get a chance to talk to girls.
48% percent of our respondents thought that protests against corruption would be a good way to start chatting with girls. If nobody is willing to talk to them at least the volunteers have to!
(Note: 48% of our respondents were male.)
However, there is a small problem. Let me explain. If you thought volunteering at protests was a nice way to start chatting with girls, you probably were volunteering at infodesks at college fests as well. You were not really good at anything else and decided this method had the best Return-On-Investment.
Except that it backfired. First, most girls go and talk directly to the girls sitting on the infodesk. (To avoid people like you). Second, even if they do manage to talk to you, it’s in moments of desperation, like:
“Hi! Where is the ladies room?”
Ay what ra! You know you have no hope!
With a pocket comb secure in his back pocket, perfectly oiled hair and double-cuff shirts folded at the cuffs for fun, this man walks into a protest.
Luckily for him, his objectives are clear: walk up to the NewsX reporter and ask for an interview. Other channels interview only celebrities, apparently because they know better. When he does get an interview, his maa-baba will be very proud at home.
I know you were thinking of doing the same.
Frankly, it doesn’t even matter what you say. This student from the screen-grab above said:
“The government make bullock of all countrymen. So you have to show them who are not bullocks. Let the bullock get his horn on the .. people .. there will be no safe no sitting. So you have to support for them.”
The bullocks are indeed upset that they have been brought into this protest.
4. To Really Make a Difference
You went to the protest to actually make a defining difference in the history of India?
You stupid idiot.
Sadly, you were just another headcount in Team Anna’s successful power-play with the government. You were just used as a bargaining item. Politicians do the same, but at least they give you biryani for it.
Having said that, I’m proud of what has transpired after all the noise. Expect a whole bunch of weeds to be removed from our garden!
 There is nothing called the Gillette man. Ha! I got you.
 Don’t expect me to verify such things. Especially when I made it up.