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Skyfall: I Can’t Bond with 007 Anymore

4th November, 2012

Those shmucks.

You know those corporate shmucks, the ones that come and try to reboot a movie series so that they can milk more money out of that movie series that was doing quite fine without their intervention but still they go ahead with a new lead and try to eliminate, one by one, most of the characters that made the original movie series great? Yeah, them, they should just die.

Without further ads, I present:

SKYFAIL

The latest Bond film that spectacularly failed despite all the money, Daniel-Craig-ness and French heroines thrown at it.I really wonder why they put that Top Critic badge for him.

Oh you don’t agree?

Are you one of the fancy shmancy reviewers on Rotten Tomatoes that lack the brain power to just, maybe, think for once that you’re reviewing a stupid movie? That you could have come up with a better catch-phrase than “putting the ‘intelligence’ back in MI6”?

(Seriously, man, that was a horrible catch-phrase!)

Even if you’re not, I’m going to give you a nice numbered list of failures, starting with:

Failure 007: The Girl Was Not Enough

Being a Bond Girl generally jump-starts your acting career (mostly because you’re on the top anyway), but I don’t see much happening to Bérénice Marlohe’s career. Berenice Marlohe - if you can pronounce that name!One speculative reason might be the difficulty of pronouncing her name, but Skyfall didn’t help in any way – it barely featured her.

She walks in with a ginormous wannabe-panache walk wearing a weird and complicated dress and nails longer than any Obama speech. (See that thing on the left?)

DUDE! What happened to the standard Bond entrance: emerging from the seas in a bikini – in slow motion – to a smirk from Mr. Bond while he holds his mojito?

And then they have an inane conversation with tidbits like:

James Bond: I know you already.
Sévérine
: What do you know?
James Bond: Well, it takes a certain type of woman to wear a backless dress with a Beretta 70 strapped to her thigh.

After that scene she disappears from the map, only to reappear later with the villain (she’s his muse after all). And then a few gunshots here and there, she’s dead. Halfway through the movie. (It also explains why no other prominent female actor decided to take this role.)

See! Evaporation!I don’t blame Miss Marlohe here. Especially when the scriptwriter inserts a steamy scene between Bond and Sévérine as shown in the picture on the right.

Wow. Look. Steam. Literally.

Somewhere, somehow, Sam Mendes and his team forgot the concept of imagination.

Literally.

Failure 008: Gadgets Are Forever

Just the other day, Die Another Day was coming on TV. The movie wouldn’t have been the same were it not for the Aston Martin Vanquish: the car that turned invisible! Imagine the coolness, the awesomeness, and the absolute mindlessness of an invisible car? That’s what Bond stood for.

I was still a kid when I saw The World is Not Enough and, gosh, I just wished I could get my hands on Bond’s eye-glasses. It had X-Ray vision, doofus, and for a young teenager that was a priceless gem that no MasterCard could buy.Asterix is always right. Always.

So what did Skyfall give us? A gun, and a radio. To be more precise, a useless gun and a particularly uninspiring radio that are probably available online anyway.

Le Sigh.

If you’re going to rewrite the typical Bond film at least rewrite it with some “oeuvre”. (Thanks Peter for expanding my vocabulary). I DON’T WANT SHIT GADGETS IN MY BOND MOVIE.

Failure 009: Licence To Thrill

Skyfall also disappointed in the action department. Sure, if you saw the trailer, you would think that I’m wrong. There’s a bike flying in the air, there are gunshots, there’s a railway car ripped apart. Explosions! Bang Bang! Fist Punches!

Daniel Craig doing what he does best: poutSorry to burst your bubble, but all that happens in the first fifteen minutes. After that it’s a long boring two and half hours with understated tears and a disappointing lack of gadgets. (Blimey, I shouldn’t complain twice.)

There was no how-did-gee-doo-dat? moment. Punches were calculated, surprises were minimal. At max Bond jumped and avoided an oncoming subway train. Yawn. Compare this to the ridiculousness of previous Bond movies. Pierce Brosnan would jump into a nose-diving plane, take control of the cockpit, and save it from crashing. Now that, Sam Mendes, IS WHAT 007 DOES IN A BOND MOVIE!

The only saving grace was that, in the end, the main building came crashing down. (In almost every movie the villain’s lair is destroyed. Of course Bond and Bond Girl would be miraculously saved in multiple how-did-gee-doo-dat? moments). Literally, Skyfall fell.

(Yet another example of lack of imagination.)

GoldenBye

Was this so-called movie review biased? Sure! Do I give a rat’s ass? No!

What I wanted was a Bond film. Instead I was charged for a transition movie to dump the old characters and renew with new ones, with a flimsy after-thought action scene rubbed in. Sam Mendes broke almost all Bond traditions, in effect making this the blandest Bond ever.

Ever.

Skyfall

Daniel Craig ji, for God’s sake please …

Skyfall

… use that gun against the REAL villain of Bond …

Skyfall

Skyfall the movie! Wipe it off from the face of this Earth!


P.S: This post had spoilers.

I should’ve told you before I started, right? Oh well.

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23 Comments leave one →
  1. 4th November, 2012 7:34 PM

    But. Daniel Craig is hot.

    • 4th November, 2012 8:06 PM

      Watch the other two Bond movies instead. Huh.

  2. sprinklesofchatter permalink
    5th November, 2012 12:25 AM

    Hahahahaahaha!
    Oh.my.god.
    I went to watch the movie last night and while I enjoyed watching it (there were some incredibly well delivered dialogues) these were exactly the thoughts that flittered through my mind.
    I almost expected the radio to transform into one of those gadgets which did everything but what it looked like.

    I loved reading this! 😀

    • 5th November, 2012 12:40 AM

      That goddamn radio was just a GPS. Hmph. You know, I want to like this movie, I really do, but I just can’t! No!

      Thanks for dropping by, SOC!

    • sprinklesofchatter permalink
      5th November, 2012 12:47 AM

      Hahahaha!
      One of my friends shares your sentiments. 🙂

  3. randinoymatthew permalink
    5th November, 2012 4:19 AM

    Fantastic review.. Extremely funny.. Couldn’t really figure out if it was a 13-yr old reviewing the movie or a 26-yr old taking out his frustration on having bought gold-class tickets for this shit! 😀

    • 5th November, 2012 11:28 AM

      Really? I sound like a thirteen-year old? Weeeeeeeeee!

  4. bhargavi permalink
    5th November, 2012 10:07 AM

    Resurrection!

  5. DudeKumar permalink
    5th November, 2012 12:52 PM

    and you get 100 points for writing a BANG ON !! review….

    • 5th November, 2012 1:08 PM

      Cool! I’m now at -943 points, from all the crap I’ve put you through. One day, sir, one day I will be at 0!

  6. 5th November, 2012 3:07 PM

    Wow..what a review! I had to google up “oeuvre”. How the hell is it pronuonced?

    • 5th November, 2012 3:53 PM

      It’s pronounced like it’s spelt 😛 Thanks for dropping by!

  7. 6th November, 2012 8:04 AM

    What if Sam Mendes wanted to make a realistic movie? Bond is getting old. You obviously can’t expect him to behave like an acrobat in a circus!

    Btw, I’ve heard Craig goes topless. That’s paisa vasool for me.

    P.S The movie has yet to be released in Aussie land :/

    • 6th November, 2012 8:24 AM

      Craig clearly has a clout!

      But anyways, I’ve noticed that reviews for this movie have been polarized: some, like me, who expected something inane, and some who liked the transition to a more realistic Bond.

      Fine, to each his own, but my only complaint is that this movie transitioned into a less alluring series. The final “oeuvre” to stand out was missing.

      Finally – do see it! Don’t worry, the world doesn’t forget the Southern Hemisphere so easily!

  8. 7th November, 2012 9:16 AM

    I was not sure which one to watch – Skyfall or Chicken Khurana. I went for Chicken but somehow my mind was with Bond.
    I have heard mixed reviews. I expected Bond to go all gadgetary with all the latest graphic available. I really do not understand why they are going old school.
    But, yes, I will watch it.

    • 7th November, 2012 6:54 PM

      Haha – confusion confusion! By the way, how was Chicken Khurana? Heard it’s a nice movie.

      By the way, I’ve been beaten up left right and center for this movie review. All I can say is that Skyfall is a very polarizing movie – people either love it or hate it. You know which camp I belong to 😀

    • 7th November, 2012 9:48 PM

      Chicken Khurana was nice. It had its moments. It was a bit boring in parts but worked for me. 🙂

    • 8th November, 2012 12:34 AM

      Ha – download it is, then 😀

  9. 7th November, 2012 11:45 PM

    I slept towards the end of first half and suddenly I was wondering what is Bond doing under a tunnel.yawn!

    • 8th November, 2012 12:35 AM

      Eeekks! That’s a really bad start. But hey, at least you blew up your money on the popcorn, didn’t you?

      Thanks for dropping by, Bhavia!

  10. 9th November, 2012 12:13 PM

    No re 😦 It was a late night show..sigh!!
    and yeah found your blog late..let me dig in your archives 😀

    • 9th November, 2012 12:43 PM

      Haha .. dig in dig in! (I haven’t been posting for a while and I really don’t have an excuse. None. At all.)

      (Maybe my next post should be about procrastination. I’ll do that in a while.)

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